So here we are

Spring time is rolling around and something weird is happening inside me. At first I couldn't figure it out then came to realize that something is missing. For the past 11 years, this is the time of year when I start playing ball again. What is missing is sinking my spikes into the dirt and running onto the grass in the outfield of a ball field with the warmth of the recently returned sun on my shoulders, my favorite mitt perfectly returning to my hand, and the excitement of the rest of my teammates because we all know it's the beginning of something special.

This spring I don't get to experience that. But by no means do I regret retiring. Continuing to play ball in the environment that I was playing in would have eventually led me to have such a bitter, hateful feeling towards the whole situation that that's all I would have remembered. If I had continued my career and this was me thinking about ball 2 or 3 years down the road I probably wouldn't be experiencing this nostaligia for the times I spent on the field. Instead I wouldn't think of it at all, rather I would completely block it out of my mind since the thought of playing would only remind me of the resentment I felt toward the things that drove me to retire.

Fortunately that's not the case, and I'm not at all bitter about how things went down. It was a difficult decision that I thought about for over a year, and one that forced me to walk away from something I absolutely love in order to pursue my happiness--even though it now comes from other new sources instead of from playing ball--but my happiness is the most important thing. Because I made that difficult decision, I can think about all those first days getting back on the field, about waking up at 6am to go bust my ass and test my limits and push the limits of my teammates because sometime soon it's going to help me beat out a basehit, about beating the hell out of our rivals--and getting revenge against them when they beat us, about traveling together, about getting sick of everyone else on the team because we'd spent so much time together and then giving them the biggest hug after pulling off a huge win, about dancing in the lockerroom and all the other crazy shit that went down in there, about hackey circles. About all of that great stuff.

Those are the reasons why I was playing all along anyway.